Word Association: Pumpkin Latte, Naughty Selfie & A Boxer Dog

pumpkin latte  My hubby sends me a text after being out of town all day and wants to know if I need anything.  My response is well; I don’t “need” anything but would love a pumpkin latte.  His response was confusion.  That’s not too surprising considering he lives with me and I have a thing about drinks.  I’ve always got to have a favorite and the number one slot rotates continually.  I blame my current desire on my Facebook friends.  I’ve never even had a pumpkin latte.  But they keep posting pictures of their pumpkin lattes from various coffee shops and ranting about how good they are I felt left out.  And when I feel left, I out I revert to middle school age.  Hey, I’m not proud of it but let’s face it.  How mature could you be?  You’re reading my blog.  Which by the way I am very happy about.  Anyway…..

Hubby feels he’s married to 15 different women because I’m always changing.  I prefer to say evolving into a better me but he just refers to it as various steps in my insanity.  Texting or calling me after not talking to me all day is a bit like Russian roulette for him.  He has no idea who is going to respond.  I can sympathize with that.  The man has worked hard all day long, has a crazy wife, has been driving around in nutso weather, and likely is praying I want nothing just so he can come home and crash.  I get that.  But nowhere in my wedding vows did I promise not to try to lovingly manipulate him to get me something from time to time.  It’s game on, people!

I quickly determine the odds of my getting a pumpkin latte will significantly increase if I send hubby a little naughty selfie.  The first problem with this plan is that I’m over 40 and should not even be saying the world selfie let alone actually attempting one.  But I’ve never acted age appropriate so why start now?  Besides, you heard the part about the pumpkin latte right.  That’s not something you can get all year.  Its here for a while and gone.  The time to act is now.  (Oooh, if you say that last sentence in the voice of Jase Robertson from Duck Dynasty it sounds really good.)

I have a bra that matches a pair of yoga pants.  Add that to my thoughts of the farm theme for Jesus Prom and you will understand why I envisioned myself in the bra and yoga pants wearing a cowboy hat.  The desire for a pumpkin latte can do strange things to a woman.  I snatched up a cowboy hat, ripped my shirt off, pulled my hair into sassy little pigtails, and grabbed my phone.  Since I’m a novice at this, I’m thinking the fact that the cowboy hat is actually part of my son’s Halloween costume from a few years ago won’t matter.  Who doesn’t love Toy Story, right?

My next problem is that I only have an average intelligence phone and let’s be honest, it’s barely that.  Which means I don’t have one of those cutesy little buttons that turns the lens around make it easy to take a picture of yourself.  My selfie must be done the archaic way; standing in front of a mirror, angling the phone in a desperate attempt to get at least part of me in the picture while trying not to look as stupid as I feel.  To add to the glamour, I’ve been bed ridden for days with back pain so posing was painful fun.  Oh, no wait, just painful.

About 25 pictures later, I’m thinking I’m finally getting the hang of it and start to feel a little sexy.  That’s when a very pungent odor hit me.  No worries.  It was just my son’s way of reminding me that you can be sexy or you can change a diaper but you CANNOT, absolutely under any conditions, be sexy while changing a poopy diaper.  As I pass by my oldest son, who has Asperger’s syndrome is immediately offended at my appearance.  “What are you wearing?  That’s just wrong!”  He shouts.  Panicked I look down.  Yep, I got my shirt on.  Turns out he was referring to the hat.  I dismissed him.  He has autism.  What does he know?

Well, turns out, the boy knows quite a bit.  Perhaps, I should seek his advice on a daily basis, because I looked at the pictures and they are NOT pretty people.  In fact, I scared myself a little.  Exhausted with the incessant picture taking and excruciating back pain I decide trying to practice the art of seduction was going to kill me and if I were dead, the pumpkin latte sure wouldn’t matter then.  I emerged from my bathroom and stop dead in my tracks.

My boxer mix dog, who is significantly older than me, is standing just staring at himself in the full-length mirror.  I don’t think I have ever seen him do that.  I mean this dog is seriously checking himself out.  I swear he is evaluating himself for a selfie.  The thought makes me giggle.  He swings his head around and looks at me as if to say, “Really?  You’re gonna judge me, cowgirl?  Have you SEEN a mirror?”  With an indignant puff of air, he leaves the room.  Before I could respond (and yes I was going to go respond to what I believe are the thoughts of my dog) my husband came in with my pumpkin latte.  And I didn’t even have to try to seduce him for it. Ahh, true love.  I’ll just hide the pictures.  Now, where did that dog go?  We need to talk.    2013-11-03 12.00.38

 

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