Dear Selective Service Person;
I received your letter requiring my son DJ register for Selective Service. As a deep patriot, I must inform you – you don’t want that boy! As great as America’s military is, they are not prepared for my little weapon of mass destruction. DJ has many strengths, but he’s a little quirky. Do you really want an enlistee who even Santa gives the side-eye?
There are things he could do such as train bomb-sniffing dogs. Got some out-of-control dragons? He’s your man! But not horses! He prefers riding them backward and wonders why it doesn’t work out. Not to mention, the helmet messes up his hair.
His flair for disguises is a definite asset. Hugh Hefner and Phil Robertson never looked better.
As evident in his massive medical file, he holds up well under torture.
Waterboarding ain’t nothing but a thang.
He has a problem with loud noises, though. They scare him and hurt his ears. So, unless you want him standing in the middle of the battlefield covering his ears some adaptations are needed. Put a silencer on guns, artillery shells, tanks, grenades, pretty much everything you have; including drill sergeants. I hear they get a bit out of hand.
Considering how much trouble DJ gets into at home, putting him in uniform in another country increases the chances of an international incident. He has a knack for getting into questionable if not downright compromising situations. Gambling, document shredding, and literally caught with his pants down are only a few of his transgressions.
DJ aspires to be the world’s greatest social media influencer. Therefore, he requests his uniform have more of the NASCAR I’m promoting something vibe rather than the camo I’ve come to kill you feel. He thinks it works better for his brand. He suggests his uniform have patches for Culvers, UK basketball, Pizza Hut, UK basketball, Coke, UK basketball, Bath & Body Works, UK basketball, Ricky T’s Bar & Grille … well, you see where this is going.
Though DJ is a true warrior at heart and a Superhero even The Avengers envy, I must exert my guardianship authority over him and reject your offer of war. Alas, the world is just not ready for my DJ. (sigh) But don’t despair, his brother Dalton is all signed up and ready to go. Good luck with that!
Sorry not that sorry,